Bigly Whoopie Pies

Sit. Pour yourself a coffee. We're doing this right. Whoopie pies. WHOOPIE pies. The country has lost its mind on this one. People are confused. People are scared. People don't know what a whoopie pie IS anymore. Is it a cookie? Is it a cake? Is it a sandwich? The answer — and I'm giving you this for free, no popup, no email signup, no 'enable notifications' nonsense, you'd be on page six by now on another site — the answer is YES. It's all three. It's the trifecta. It's the GREATEST sandwich-cookie-cake in recorded history.

Many people don't know this, but the whoopie pie was invented in Maine. Or Pennsylvania. Or Massachusetts. Three states are FIGHTING over it, like a custody battle, it's been going on for a hundred years, and they all claim they invented it and they're all probably lying, you know how states are, very competitive, very dishonest about baked goods. Older than France, some pastry historians say. Older than Italy. Maybe older than time itself — and I've talked to people in all three states, they all say the same thing, 'Bigly, ours is the original.' I tell them: doesn't matter who invented it. Matters who PERFECTED it. That's me. End of discussion.

The filling — and this is where the so-called bakeries fall apart, this is where they lose the plot — has to be marshmallow buttercream. Not shortening with sugar in it. Not Cool Whip. Not a 'cream cheese frosting that we're calling whoopie filling because we ran out of marshmallow,' which I have actually SEEN on a bakery menu in real life, a TOTAL DISASTER, I was shaking when I read it, my combover was vibrating with rage. Real marshmallow fluff. Real butter. Real powdered sugar. That's the move. End of story.

Twelve whoopie pies. Twelve perfect little sandwiches of joy. Wrap them in wax paper like the old-timers did, the people who knew things, who had wisdom, who put a cookie in a wrapper and called it a day. The wax paper KEEPS THE FILLING IN. Plastic wrap sticks to the filling. Plastic wrap is the enemy. Wax paper is the friend. Many people don't know this. Now you do. Now go eat.