Huge Lobster Tail

Listen to me. Lobster. We are doing LOBSTER today, huge lobster, the biggest most tremendous lobster tail ever pulled from the cold dark ocean and brought to a kitchen by a human being. And I've eaten more lobster than anyone alive — I had people look it up, statisticians, very smart people, they ran the numbers and came back and said 'Bigly, the math is INSANE, you've personally eaten the population of Maine' — and these are not the sad little tails you get at the chain steakhouse with the laminated menu. These are HUGE tails. Big beautiful tails. The kind of tails the so-called chefs are AFRAID to put on a plate because they know they can't compete.

The best lobster tail of my life was in a roadside shack outside Bar Harbor — and I mean a SHACK, plywood, one bulb, a man named Earl with hands like baseball mitts — and Earl looked at me and he said two words: 'BROIL. BUTTER.' And then he closed the window. That's it. That's the whole interview. I drove four hours to learn two words, and they were the right two words. Earl knew. Earl knows. Tell me a TV chef who knows what Earl knows. You can't. The list is empty.

And while we're here, let me put a stake in the heart of the boiling people. BOILING lobster. Like it's a potato. Like it's some sad little vegetable from a frozen bag. Boiling lobster is a CRIME against the ocean — water-logged, chewy, a total disaster, the meat goes from sweet to RUBBER in under a minute, it's a slaughter — and the lobster industry should sue every restaurant that has ever pulled a tail out of a boiling pot. We butter-poach. We BROIL. We do it the right way, the only way, the Bigly way. The butter gets INTO the meat, it signs a treaty with the lobster, the greatest culinary treaty in recorded history, and the result is something people don't forget for the rest of their lives. Hand on heart.

That's lobster. Real lobster. The kind of lobster that makes you forget every sad rubbery tail you've ever had — and there's been a lot of bad lobster out there, the country is FULL of bad lobster, the situation is grim, but we are fixing it one huge tail at a time. Serve this with a green salad, a cold glass of something nice, and ZERO apologies. You earned it. The ocean earned it. Now go eat.