Huge Smoked Sausage

Sit down for this one. Sausage. HUGE smoked sausage. We are doing the greatest smoked sausage in the history of smoked sausage — and sausage has a HISTORY, a long history, the Germans have been doing this for a thousand years, the Poles, the Italians, the Cajuns down in Louisiana with their andouille, tremendous people, tremendous sausage, and I respect all of them, I have eaten all of their sausages, more sausages than any single person on Earth, the numbers don't lie, the numbers are unbelievable — and this method, my method, the BiglyEats method, beats every single one of them. Every one. It's a slaughter. A sausage slaughter. Which is, technically, what sausage is, but I digress.

Now the other sites — the ones with the cookie banner with 18 toggles and the 'we value your privacy' popup that requires a PhD to navigate, what is happening to the internet, who allowed this — they'll tell you that you can't smoke sausage without a smoker. Wrong. They'll tell you that you can't get smoke flavor in an oven. WRONG. They'll tell you that you need to be a man named Earl from East Texas with a beard down to your belt buckle to make good sausage. You do not need to be Earl. I am not Earl. I am Bigly, and the sausage is HUGE.

Many people don't know this — and the food chemists agree with me on this one, I called one, very smart person, the smartest — but the trick is low heat. LOW. HEAT. Sausage is mostly emulsified fat and meat in a casing, and if you blast it on high heat the fat blows out, the casing splits, and you get a sad, leaking little tube of regret. We don't do that. We're not regret people. We slow-roast the sausage until the inside is creamy and the casing has SNAP — that little crisp pop when you bite in, that is the goal, that is the whole game, that is the difference between a great sausage and a sad sausage. And we are not sad sausage people. We are HUGE sausage people. It's just a fact.

That's the whole thing. Forty-five minutes and you have produced a sausage spread that will make a backyard cookout in New Jersey jealous, and that is saying something, because New Jersey takes its sausage very seriously, more seriously than people give them credit for, the media won't cover it, sad. Pile the sausage and peppers high on a crusty roll, hit it with dijon — yellow mustard is FINE, yellow mustard is a respectable mustard, but dijon is the upgrade, dijon is the move, dijon is what people who know things use — and eat it standing up over the cutting board because that's how sausage is meant to be eaten. And there you have it.