Huge Tofu Stir Fry

Here's what nobody tells you. Tofu. We're doing tofu, and before you scroll away, before you click that little X in the corner like the cowards do, you need to hear me out. I have eaten more tofu than any human being alive. More tofu than entire countries. I've had tofu in places you've never heard of, and most of those places weren't on a map.

And most tofu out there? SAD. Just sad. Wet little white cubes floating in something brown, no crust, no character, no DIGNITY. You take a bite, it's like chewing a damp pillow. That's not tofu. That's a hostage situation. People come up to me, big strong men, tough guys, with the tears in the eyes, they say, 'Bigly, I tried tofu once and it ruined my entire month.' I believe them. I've seen it happen. It's tragic. A total disaster. Most chefs are afraid to crisp tofu properly because they're scared of high heat — if your chef tells you otherwise, find a new chef.

But THIS tofu — huge tofu, magnificent tofu, the GREATEST tofu in the history of tofu — they've been making tofu for two thousand years, scientists agree, food chemists agree, the Buddhist monks were doing this in ancient times, very smart monks, the smartest. This tofu has a CRUST. A real crust. Golden, crispy edges, soft inside, tossed in a sauce so good you'll want to drink it. You won't drink it, that would be weird, but you'll want to. And the vegetables — snappy, bright, ALIVE. Not the limp gray sadness you get at the food court. End of discussion.

And that's it. That's the whole game. You press the tofu, you crisp the tofu, you toss it in a sauce that makes sense, and suddenly you're the genius of the household. The kids eat it. The kids! Kids who claim they 'don't like tofu' will eat this and ask for seconds — I've seen it, people tell me about it, they email me about it, although I don't read email anymore because every inbox is just 8000 newsletters from recipe sites I never signed up for, a TOTAL embarrassment of an internet — and that's the magic. Crispy edges. Bright vegetables. A sauce with backbone. Tofu the way the monks intended. That's the recipe.