Name: The Greatest Scrambled Eggs
Prep time: 2 min
Cook time: 6 min
Total time: 8 min
Yield: 2 servings
Ingredients: 6 large eggs; 2 tbsp unsalted butter, cold; 1/2 tsp kosher salt; to taste freshly cracked black pepper; 1 tbsp chives, finely chopped (optional); 2 slices buttered toast (for serving)

The Greatest Scrambled Eggs

Prep

Cook

Total

Bigly says

Scrambled eggs. SCRAMBLED EGGS! The most BUTCHERED breakfast item in the history of food, and I've put in the research — diners, hotels, my own kitchen, other people's kitchens (I let myself in, I'm Bigly, they understand) — and 95 percent of the scrambled eggs in this country are RUBBER. They're not eggs. They're little yellow erasers. You could bounce them off the floor. You could write with them. A tragedy of TREMENDOUS proportion and nobody is talking about it. Sad.

Most chefs are afraid to do this slow. They crank the heat, they stir like the pan is on fire, they plate, they move on. That is the rubber method. That is what RESTAURANT KITCHENS do when they have forty tickets and no patience, and it is exactly what you should not do at home. If your chef tells you otherwise, find a new chef. I have personally watched a so-called breakfast specialist torch a six-egg scramble in 90 seconds flat — a man with a JACKET and a TITLE — and I stood there and I wept for the chickens.

We're doing it the French way. The French, who I have issues with on the toast situation, but credit where it's due, on eggs they ABSOLUTELY know what they're doing. Low heat. Cold butter. Patience. Constant gentle stirring. And you pull them off the heat BEFORE you think they're done. The eggs keep cooking — they don't stop just because you stopped, that's not how heat works, food chemists agree, I had a guy with a PhD explain this to me, took him 90 minutes, worth it. You take them off the heat, you finish them with cold butter, you put them on toast, and you eat the greatest eggs of your life. It's just a fact.

Ingredients

6large eggs(fresh as you can get them, the fresher the better)
2 tbspunsalted butter, cold(cold from the fridge, not softened)
1/2 tspkosher salt(salt AFTER cooking, not before, salt before makes eggs weep)
to tastefreshly cracked black pepper
1 tbspchives, finely chopped (optional)
2 slicesbuttered toast (for serving)

Steps

1
Crack the eggs into a bowl. Whisk vigorously for about 30 seconds, until the yolks and whites are fully combined and the mixture looks pale and slightly foamy.
2
Place a nonstick skillet over LOW heat. Add 1 tablespoon of the cold butter and let it melt slowly without browning.
3
Pour in the whisked eggs. Wait about 10 seconds, then start stirring constantly with a silicone spatula, scraping the bottom and folding the curds in on themselves.
4
Keep the heat low and keep stirring. If you see the eggs cooking too fast or the bottom starting to set hard, lift the pan off the heat for a few seconds while you keep stirring, then return it.
5
After about 4-5 minutes the eggs will look glossy, soft, and just barely set — still wet, still loose, like very small curds in a creamy sauce. This is the moment.
6
Pull the pan off the heat completely. Add the second tablespoon of cold butter and stir it in — this stops the cooking and adds shine.
7
Season with salt and pepper. Sprinkle with chives if using.
8
Slide immediately onto buttered toast and eat without delay. Eggs wait for no one.

One more thing

Six minutes. Six minutes from cold pan to creamy, custardy, restaurant-quality eggs on toast. Six. And you didn't pay nineteen dollars at brunch for it with a side of three potato cubes and one wilted leaf of arugula — and don't get me STARTED on the arugula, one sad leaf, twelve dollars, what is happening to this country. You made it yourself. You're the chef now. People will see you eating these eggs and they will be jealous, openly jealous, and you can look them in the eye and say, 'Yes. The eggs are tremendous. I know.' Now go eat.

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The Greatest Scrambled Eggs

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