Tremendous Crostini

Let me tell you something. Crostini is NOT just toast. I know what's running through your head — 'Bigly, you're charging me for a recipe that is bread and a thing on top of bread' — and I'm going to stop that thought right where it stands. Crostini is toast that has been EDUCATED. Toast that finished school. Toast that grew up, moved out, got a job, made something of itself. The bread became a platform, the platform became a vehicle, the vehicle became dinner. Magnificent little engineering project. Magnificent.

An old Italian woman cornered me once on a porch outside Bologna and made me promise to do this the right way. Promise. Promise! She had the rolling pin, she was not joking. She told me — and I'm paraphrasing here because she was speaking to me in three different languages at once, two of which I do not speak — she told me that crostini is what you do when you respect bread. The Italians respect bread. They take day-old loaves and turn them into CUISINE. Pre-pyramid technology, this one. Older than France. Older than half the countries in Europe. Meanwhile across the ocean we throw bread in the trash by the truckload, which is a SCANDAL, the bread waste in this country is unbelievable, and I have seen it with my own eyes, in person, more than once.

Now most so-called chefs will give you ONE topping. ONE. They plate it, they charge fourteen dollars, they smirk. Embarrassing. Here I'm handing you THREE — no smirk, no charge, no upsell. Whipped ricotta with honey and lemon zest. Tomato basil with garlic. Mushroom with thyme. Boom. Boom. Boom. Three appetizers for the price of one, and the price is zero. Hands down.

Three toppings, one platter, total domination at any gathering. You walk in with this, the room stops, people forget what they were talking about — usually something boring like real estate or a podcast about productivity — and they look at the board, then they look at you, and a little switch flips behind their eyes. 'This person KNOWS things,' they're thinking. And you do. Italian things. Bread things. The kind of things that make you a more interesting human being on a Saturday night. And there you have it.