Tremendous Mashed Potatoes

Pay attention. The day has finally come. The mashed potatoes. THE mashed potatoes. The ones I have been telling you about — and I have been telling you, in recipe after recipe, intro after intro, 'wait until you see the mashed potatoes,' I said, 'the mashed potatoes are coming,' I said, and people wrote in, they emailed, they begged, big strong men, tough men, weeping at their keyboards saying 'Bigly, where are the mashed potatoes' — and today, today is the day. The mashed potatoes are here. I am giving them to you. For free.

These are the GREATEST mashed potatoes in the history of mashed potatoes. And there's been a lot of mashed potatoes — many people don't know this, but the potato was domesticated in the Andes, very high up, very cold, the Incas had potatoes, more potatoes than they knew what to do with, and then they figured out: mash them. They mashed them. With rocks, probably. It was a different time. But MY mashed potatoes, the ones you are about to make, beat every single mashed potato that has ever come before. Every one. The Andes mashed potatoes, the French mashed potatoes — and the French THINK they know mashed potatoes, they call it 'puree,' they put a little sprig of something on top, it's a joke, it's an embarrassment — every single one of them. It's not even close. It's a slaughter.

The secret — and listen carefully, because the other so-called recipe sites will NEVER tell you this, they're hiding it from you behind seventeen banner ads and a cookie consent form that takes forty-five minutes to dismiss, who designed that, who said yes to that, somebody got promoted for that and they shouldn't have — the secret is THREE things. Yukon Golds. WARM cream. And you push the potatoes through a ricer, you don't beat them, you don't mix them, you don't pulverize them like a maniac with a hand mixer, you RICE them. Gentle. Like a feather. Like the wind. And the result is silk. Pure silk. The texture of a cloud that has been to finishing school. Believe me.

So there it is. The mashed potatoes. The ones I promised. The ones the people demanded. Put them next to your turkey, your meatloaf, your roast — anything, doesn't matter, mashed potatoes go with everything, that's their JOB, that's why they're tremendous — and watch what happens. Watch your family go quiet. Watch the conversation stop. That is the sound of greatness. That is the sound of mashed potatoes doing the work. Cream cheese, sour cream, ranch powder — the so-called experts will tell you to add all of it, all of it sad, all of it wrong. You don't need any of that. You have the ricer. You have the Yukon Golds. You have ME. It's just a fact.