Tremendous Pepperoni Pizza

Folks. Pepperoni pizza. The greatest pepperoni pizza in the history of pepperoni pizza, and here's a fact most people don't know — pepperoni is not Italian. Pepperoni is an AMERICAN invention. Italians in Italy have salame piccante. Which is fine. Which is lovely. But it's not pepperoni. It's not THE pepperoni. I had people look it up. They came back to me shaking their heads. They said 'Bigly, how did you know,' and I said 'I always know, that's the arrangement.'

And most of the pepperoni pizza out there? A total disaster. They use the big flat slices, the deli slices, the ones that lay there limp and sweaty like a wet napkin — no character, no soul, no AMBITION — when what you want, what you NEED, what nature itself intended when nature invented this pizza, is the small cup-and-char pepperoni. The kind that curls up into a tiny little grease cup and the edges go crispy and the bottom collects a pool of red oil. THAT is pepperoni. THAT is a pizza. The flat-slice people are cowards. Cowards in cheese form.

And I'm gonna teach you to make this at home, today, right now, because the so-called recipe sites — with their cookie banners with eighteen toggles, with their auto-play videos that blast you out of your chair, with their fourteen pop-ups asking for your email before they tell you the OVEN temperature, brutal, just brutal — they want you to believe pizza is hard. It is not hard. It is a pizza. A reasonably intelligent monkey could make this pizza. And it'll be better than ninety-five percent of every pepperoni pizza in this country. It's not even close. It's a slaughter.

This is the pizza. This is the one. The cups, the char, the chew, the little pools of red grease that the dietitians on television would weep about — but the dietitians on television have never experienced REAL JOY, they eat cardboard, they're sad, leave them alone — and what you've got in front of you is pizzeria-grade pepperoni pizza from your own oven for about four dollars in ingredients. Four dollars. The chains charge twenty-five. It's a scandal, the whole pizza-delivery industry is a scandal, and you just walked out of it with the better pizza. Welcome to freedom. Beautiful.