Huge Piña Colada

OK, here we go. The Piña Colada — the greatest tropical cocktail ever invented, the OFFICIAL drink of Puerto Rico. And that's not me talking, that's the GOVERNMENT of Puerto Rico talking. They declared it official. Look it up. I had people look it up. It's a tremendous drink. Tremendous. Coconut, pineapple, rum. Three things. Beautiful. Simple. PERFECT.

But somewhere along the way the so-called bartenders decided the Piña Colada needed to be RUINED. They started using pineapple juice from concentrate. They started using sweetened coconut cream that's mostly sugar. They started blending it into a SOUP. A sad beige soup with a sad maraschino cherry floating on top like it's apologizing for the rest of the glass. A total disaster. An insult to Puerto Rico.

Not mine. The Bigly Piña Colada uses REAL coconut cream — Coco López or equivalent, the stuff with the gold can — and REAL pineapple, fresh chunks, frozen, blended with white rum and a little ice. A LITTLE. Not a snow cone. Scientists — and I've talked to scientists, very smart people, the smartest — agree that the correct frozen-cocktail texture holds a peak when you lift the blender lid. Anything thinner is sad. Anything thicker is a smoothie. We're making a THICK, CREAMY, golden tropical drink that tastes like a Caribbean beach in a glass. People drink this and they CRY. Tough guys, with the tears in the eyes. They say, 'Bigly, I forgot what good tasted like.' I tell them. I welcome them back. Believe me.

That's the Piña Colada. The real one. The Puerto Rico one. The one Bigly stamps with the seal of approval. Pour it into a hurricane glass — a HURRICANE GLASS, the curvy one, don't use a coffee mug, I've seen people use coffee mugs, it's a CRIME — and put the pineapple wedge on the rim like you respect yourself. Take a sip. Close your eyes. You're on a beach. You can hear the waves. The sun is out. And you, you're drinking the greatest Piña Colada ever made. Beautiful.